Aug 31, 2011 – Standing alone on the deck.  The sky hints of pink, but promises light moment by moment. I hear every silent breath, mine and the trees’.

Ellen arrives like an apparition from the dark, whispers in my ear that someone or some thing whispered in her ear, awakening her with the sound of her own name.

Arising to follow the call, she found the door standing open…now she is standing next to me.  We are silent.

Suddenly movement in the dark dawn, down below us, in the trees.

We follow the movement, separate, and disappear from one another.

I wander through waist high grass –

find nothing and no one, not even Ellen.

7 AM sit is silent, still, free.

What is it I love about Colorado?  Surely it is the sapciousness, like in New Mexico.  The trees in Colorado give space a shape without using it up.  A tree must surely know its own empty self, just like the sky and the clouds- like they know they are not separate at all.

August 22, 2012

Respect for that which I have no respect, may take me a long way down my spiritual path.

That which I do not respect, is placed somewhere outside of my mind, and therefore out of my conscious experience – excluded.

“Preference” is written all over it. Zen is the art of non-preference.

Embodying that which I do not respect = being whole, being one with all beings. Humility is here. Empathy is here. Compassion is here- in the embodiment of my experience as a whole.

Today as I drew breath down into my belly, it filled up almost all the space inside me, but I paused and then breathed in a little more and my front and back were separated from one another as the space between expanded.  A full breath cycle swept exhale and inhale along the undersides of my rib cage and massaged the tissues in front of my spine.  Breath gently soothed all the tender places inside and alongside my spine, and the lightning strike of disc contacting nerve became more like strong river flowing.  “Breath sweeps mind”, I guess.

I am your mother

Your daughter

Your sister

Friend

Grandmother

Stranger

Enemy

Even your brother, son, father

Look into me

Release your hold

And be free

I became so angry yesterday that my heart beat hard in my chest and when relief did not come it moved into the pit of my stomach and beat as a fist.  It was very painful, and the residual chemistry of it awoke me in the night with illness in my stomach, neck and head. 

So I have contemplated what took control, and exerted such power over me that I couldn’t even soothe myself in the moment to prevent the harmful after effects.  My anger arose and I suppressed it, but by what force?  And to what end? 

I have a rich experience with shame and self righteousness, so when I witness them in others, I feel I can’t bear the pain that I know so well. Even if it is another’s pain, it is mine as well.  Unable to find my authentic voice in the moment, and committed to refraining until I do, I am stifled, thus harm is not averted.  I make an attempt or two to voice, but cannot find my reason.  It is hot inside my head.

There is a sword, Manjushri’s sword of wisdom, that slices both ways. If you wield it to cut the head from someone’s  illusion,  be prepared to have the head cut off  your own.  Separation between the two of you is the illusion; the sword’s cut dispels the illusion of duality.  Accuracy is required with a sword.

In the aftermath, compassion,  and mindfulness of the breeze, the orange sunset, the tiredness in my body – gratitude and another turn on the wheel of dharma.

You know the times I love? They are the times, with loved ones, when we put aside our fear together – it  feels so playful.  Really, fear and play don’t happen so well together, do they?  They are not fair to one another.  Fear will always extinguish play, and play will do the same to fear.  But fear, wow, what a powerful influence.  And play, well, it takes a lot of heart.

Thich Nhat Hanh calligraphy

Love never fails.

Wow, what a loaded word, it turns out – attachment.  From before birth, human beings attach to that which we perceive to be directly responsible for our survival, but not only survival.  That is just the first task.

Attachment is one of those things, like the ego, that we cannot live without yet sometimes cannot live with it either.  A case of poison and wisdom in the same pill.  So therapeutically, only positive psychology will do.  Strengthen strengths and look for their wisdom.  Allow seeds of doubt to lie still for awhile. 

See what arises, such as awareness of how well one takes care of ones own needs, or at least how prevalent are the opportunities, which have the potential to be missed.  Apparently when we “aren’t hung up on getting other people to see or support them (our needs)”, we can focus on other needs (Cori, J L. (2010).

For adults, or young people, with disordered attachments, one key may be to discover one’s own capabilities and capacities for self care.  I looked into the mirror one day and said, “I love you and I will take care of you.” Then I had to follow up, with continual kindness to myself and continual deep looking in the mirror of life to find the mother I had been seeking.  I found her inside.